When you think of “Daddy Issues” what comes to mind? Ask yourself do you have any? More importantly what does this look like in a grown woman? For years I was in a state of denial about the extent of the issues I had with my father. I truly believed I was at peace; which is partially true. Because I was at peace with his death, however I wasn’t at peace with the Man he was or the life he lived. Over the past 20 years in passing when family and friends would speak of him rather in a positive or negative light I would behave in the same manner; emotionless, cold and seamlessly unbothered. My walls wouldn’t allow me to connect.
It never ceases to Amaze me about the power of God! I have always been a believer that everything happens for a reason and how pain and purpose somehow intertwine. God will connect you to certain people for various reasons that at first glance seem uncoincidental, but if you just sit back and observe you will begin to see the reasons, but most importantly the blessing.
It wasn’t until after that brief relationship ended recently that I realized, hey ELLISE you’re not as in CONTROL as you think! You are still very much in pain and you are not at peace. For a brief moment in time I can truly say he gave me a sense of what it felt like to be that innocent six year old girl loving on her Father again. When he would speak of my father it reminded me of how I used to look and feel! The bright look in his eyes in the huge smile on his face as he would share certain memories with me of my father ignited something in my soul; it was soothing to that ache and pain that I hidden dormant for so many years. I could tell that he was being genuine and he generally admired my father. This appealed to me on a deeper level. That’s one of the reasons why I turned a blind eye to his disrespectful ways and behavior because in some ways this EMOTIONAL UNAVAILABLE man was feeding me. I asked myself two hard questions. Are you really this desperate to put up with some BS that you know you don’t deserve or are you trying to keep him around to fill this void? The answer was yes, I was trying to fill a void: I didn’t want it to be over. This was a clear indication that my “Daddy Issues” had somehow trinkle down into my adulthood manifesting into dysfunctional behavior when it relates to MEN.
Growing up I remember being the ultimate Daddy’s Girl. He would parade me around his friends, give me unlimited amounts of the attention, and spoiled me with love and affection! Anything I wanted was mine, I truly had him wrapped around my finger. We were truly inseparable. I looked up to him for guidance, love, support, but most importantly protection.
What do you do when that is over? As a child how do you resume living a normal life? How do you cope with a loss of that magnitude? STAY TUNED FOR PART 2….