I remember like yesterday I was 6 years old when my father died. I was about to turn 7; just two weeks shy of his death. My father died January 15th 1995 and was buried on January 20th 1995. Following the burial I never received any grief counseling. I resumed living as if nothing happened. As a child I was very much so the awkward, quiet, and shy type; outside of my friends I didn’t really socialize with other people.
When I think back now: I’m certain that my mother comforted me as best she could at times when I felt grief-stricken, overwhelmed, stressed, and sad; however I don’t really remember venting to my mother about my father’s passing as a young girl. Why? Because it was evident that she had lost the love of her life! She was already feeling a sense of blame and barely hanging on. I didn’t want to keep putting her through a traumatizing state by constantly bringing him up. I wanted and needed to be strong for her. As the years passed it got easier to deal with and Carry On My Own. However, once I was older and learn the truth about his death things started to take a turn for the worse.
On one hand I loved my father very deeply and still do, but in the same sense I couldn’t understand how someone who claims to love you would want to take your life: which created “trusting issues” in me When it relates to men. I was referring to my mother and father’s relationship in the incident that resulted in his death. This troubled me deeply especially, because now I was a becoming a young lady; I was very conflicted.
One of the emotions that I was feeling was clearly Anger! I was angry because the man that I loved and looked up to disappointed me by doing this senseless Act on the contrary I was angry because he was no longer here to be with me.
Other emotions I was feeling was resentment and a sense of abandonment. I felt that his actions were selfish and I wish things could have been different. I needed him and he wasn’t here! Who was going to love me now that he was gone? It’s a special type of love that a father and daughter share. I felt cheated and Stripped Away of mine. Since he was no longer here I didn’t have anyone to give me the emotional stimulation that fathers give their daughters. I had no one to make me feel special, love, adored, and protected.
As the years passed I tricked myself into believing that I was somehow over my daddy issues and troubling past. I almost succeeded to, however when I got older and started dating men and having my own relationships and experiences; it dawned on me that I was a “Woman with Daddy Issues”. As I started researching what this meant, I found it more likely to be Real.
These are a few of the points that resonated with me.
1.) Low Self Esteem- as a young girl I always suffered from low self-esteem and because I didn’t have a positive male role model inside my home building me up; it carried on for most of my adolescent years resulting in insecurities.
2.) Trust Problems.
3.)Needing Constant Validation or Reassurance.
4.)Attaching myself to Emotionally Unavailable Men or Men who were only interested in Sex.
6.) People Pleaser
7.)Sexually Aggressive- now although, I don’t fall into the traditional category for this point because I’m not promiscuous, however I still relate.
Personally, I feel that everyone suffers from daddy issues: regardless of if he was there or if he wasn’t. If you feel like you have identified with any of these Points then you really need to sit back and observe your previous relationships so you can break the cycle. Believe me the answers are there! The only way to do this is by being extremely honest with yourself which I am learning can be hard because knowing the TRUTH and understanding why we do certain things isn’t the easiest. However, it is the most beneficial and rewarding because it opens the door to healing and breaks the chain of dysfunction.
I am still learning to work through my issues because this isn’t something that can be fixed overnight you have to actively work at getting better. As far as the grief goes each day I get better. Although, my father is deceased: I practice ritual healing in order to release the pain; because I don’t have the luxury of having actual conversations with him; this is the next best thing. Remember that forgiveness will be a vital part of your healing because it means that you are not caring around that baggage anymore!
To the young ladies and women who don’t have a positive male role model in your lives; that struggle in this area please know that you have to be the person that builds up your self esteem! Constantly remind yourself of how beautiful you are and how special you are. Speak to that light that we all possess inside of us. Once this happens your whole outlook will change because now you know your WORTH! Which means you’re not going to accept bare minimum; and you’re going to hold people accountable for their actions. Once you see any signs that someone is being dishonest: then it will be easy for you to cut off ties, because you know the GOLD that resides within! I pray and hope that this has been helpful to anyone who may be struggling in this area.1❤