Once I got back home the crying continued in sparse. I remeber I would breakdown in the oddest places and times like at work, driving, listening to music, and even on the phone just having a regular conversation. Whenever I got still and idle it seemed to be the worst; why because my mind was racing. This was all sooooo new to me; I’ve always considered myself Tough. I wasn’t an emotional person, but it was clearly obvious now; that was false. I had managed to suppress my emotions. I was drowning in Emotional Baggage and it was becoming too heavy for me to carry. The constant crying was a clear indication that I had Problems and it was time to face them. My cousin worded what I was experiencing in the most beautiful way; she said baby you’re just going through an Emotional Detox but what’s on the other side of that is Greatest!* Thanks Rhonda you were so right!
Beginning the healing process. I started to Analyze everything in my life. The way I truly thought about myself and how I carried myself, my patterns, my behavior, and even down to the way I interacted with people-coworkers, family, friends, and Especially Romantic Partners. Everything was under scrutiny. I needed to know where this was coming from. The words you don’t love yourself rung in my ears. Why was this so powerful? I could say that I love myself, however that wouldn’t be true because my actions sometimes contradicted that. What I’ve done to myself and what I allowed others to do to me speaks volume.
When I think about it now in hindsight the timing was perfect, I know that God used my cousin as a steward to get me to that conference. She could have picked anybody to go with her, but yet she chose me. He chose Koreyelle to deliver this message to me because coming anyone else wouldn’t have resonated the same isn’t God Wonderful!
I had recently went through a situation with a guy so the wounds were still fresh. It was someone from my childhood. Initially we connected over my father. I was drawn to him for that reason. You see he had something I didn’t “Memories” and because of that reason I began to overlook alot of Red Signs! Along with the fact that I felt a sense of history and comfort it was easy for me to play dismissive. He could have had “Void” “Do not enter” “Caution” written on his forehead and it still wouldn’t have mattered because I was still chasing him. It was clear to me that we were not an item and wasn’t going to be together. I over compensated with him and lost not only my leverage, but my respect as well. I was to seasoned to believe those lies, because even if he never said it verbally his actions always revealed everything. It was time to get real! I took accountability for my actions and asked myself why I was behaving in that manner? In part sex was one reason, let’s be real ladies good sex can have you in your feelings and playing boo boo the fool; however that wasn’t the underlining reason because I knew better. After doing deeper evolution on myself I realized that nearly the exact same behavior that I was displaying in this current relationship, I had done previous in another Relationship 4 years prior. You see I had been dating someone for nearly 5 yrs on and off. In that relationship I put myself last by neglecting my wants and needs. I made myself too available. I tried too hard to over compensate by appeasing him and also ignored red flags. Simply put I just wanted it to work. I had invested so much time! Sure I’d loved him but I knew that wasn’t enough. We wasn’t on the same page and at times I felt like we wasn’t even in the same book but yet i still was complacent and settling. I’d like to believe that I had Grown in that time frame, because 4 yrs is a long time. Was it coincidence that I was displaying the same type of behavior or not. The truth is it was not coincidence. I’d just merely moved from one relation to another still unaware and oblivious to my own bull. The question was why I was behaving this way, accepting bare minimum, and less than I deserve and wanted. It was because of one reason and one reason only. I didn’t believe I was ENOUGH.
The realization of that stung so bad, but it was my Truth. I asked myself why was I feeling Inadequate? After searching and digging deep, I learned that my inadequate issues stemmed from my low self-esteem that had deepened and worsened from over the years now resulting in Insecurities. Sometimes the truth is ugly, but you cannot fix what you’re not willing to Acknowledge. In order to start the healing process I had to address my issues, one being my Insecurities. I must inform you this was not easy for me and neither will it be for you. Not only do you have to figure out in what unhealthy ways are you Behaving Toxic you have to be able to identify and make the correlation to what caused you to result in that type of behavior in the first place, because everything has a chain reaction. For Example 1.) I’m behaving this way because of this reason (INSECURITIES). 2.) I’m insecure about this thing or these thing because of this reason ( childhood, low self-esteem , trauma, or etc). If you do not take the time to figure this out you will be sure to repeat the same behavior. After doing that you can now move on to the next phase of addressing your Insecurities and finding Resolutions.
I suggest that you make a list of all of your Insecurities. As it relates to your past and present State of Mind. After that put them into two different categories. For example…could this be something I could work on/ fix or is this something I have to come to terms with and just accept. Work on the things that you don’t like about yourself and find solace in the things that you cannot change, you will have to grow to Accept them. Remember two objects can not occupy the same space: so you can’t be your greatest supporter and your biggest critic. Choose Positivity and Choose Love! Also during this time please give yourself some Grace. Be honest but don’t be so overly critical! GEMSTONE MOMENT…..IF YOUR ARE A PERSON WHO STRUGGLES WITH DEEPLY ROOTED INSECURITIES AS I HAVE PLEASE REMEMBER THE ONLY THING THAT IS GOING TO HELP YOU GROW PAST THEM IS POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT COMING FROM YOU! SURE THE ATTENTION THAT YOU GET FROM OTHER PEOPLE FEELS GOOD BUT IT’S NOT SKIN DEEP MEANING IT ONLY STAYS ON THE SURFACE. Remember that you are the only person like you! EMBRACE YOU AND OWN IT!
The second thing I done was write down some Affirmations and started to recite them. At first this felt dumb as hell, because one it was foreign and secondly it was a pride thing; but I had to admit to myself that somewhere deep down buried within me I felt inadequate in these areas. After a while it started to feel good. Not only did it Empower me, I started believing it. This gave me the greatest sense of Confidence and Boost of Self-Esteem. Not in a conceited or boastful way, but a sense of total peace and stability. I no longer was doubtful and unsure about who I was; I no longer needed validation from anyone to fill a void. Honestly, I didn’t even care what other people thought of me because I was Secure in who I was.
The third thing I done and this was a big one; was address my unresolved issues and problems, I decided to no longer be a prisoner to it. I made a list of everything that was affecting me; and decided to confront them head on. I had to be totally honest with myself because I had become so accustomed to brushing stuff under the rug, especially if it would cause a conflict or if I felt there wasn’t a resolution. One of the biggest problems I had that I don’t mind sharing was the relationship between the father of my child and our daughter. I always tried to be the bigger person, so I never wanted to be labeled the “bad mom”. I know how vital it is for a father to be in a child’s life especially a girl. So I’ve always kept that door open. I’ve been as flexible as one can be, given the circumstances and cards I’ve been dealt, however the fact still remains the same. In short, he has never been an active father. I had given him countless chances, but all he does is disappoint. I could no longer sit by and watch him subject her to that type of mistreatment and dysfunction. I decided to not allow him to break her spirit anymore then his absence has already done. Prime example kaliyah ( our daughter) could be playing on my phone on whatever social media site. In because her father is lightskined whenever Kaliyah would see someone extremities with the same complexion as him she would automatically assume that was her father if she didn’t see their face. I knew then that his inconsistent ways started to affect her in more ways than one. This now was making her anxious and irrational, so it was definitely time for a change. Sometimes the Resolution means that you have to remove yourself from the stimuli and anything associated with it. It’s so ironic to grow up without a father to now be in a position where you are a Mother raising a fatherless child.
Another one of my unresolved issues was with my father. Yes, I was 29 years old when I was finally able to admit to myself that I had “Daddy Issues”. I had a lot of anger and resentment built up. Even though I thought I was at peace; I was not because on the contrary it affected my life tremendously with in respects to my relationship with men. Acknowledging this meant that I was bringing awareness to this problem resulting in healing for my pain. Forgiveness is an essential part of Healing & Growth.
Finally, the last thing I done was write a Letter of Apology to myself! I must inform you that this will not be an easy task. If you do not have tears falling down your face when you’re writing it you’re not reaching deep enough. I was painfully honest with myself. In short I apologized for everything that I had done to myself both internal and external. I apologize for all the things that I had allowed other people to do to me. I apologize for not loving myself, taking care of myself, and for not always carrying myself as the Queen I am. I promise you after writing that letter it was the most self gratifying and beneficial part of my healing. WHY BECAUSE I WAS FREE AND I HAD FORGIVEN MYSELF!
I encourage you to write one as well and frame it as a reminder for how far you’ve come and the possibilities that are in store. You now have done the work! Taking Accountability and Freed Yourself from all that Emotional Baggage, thus opening the doors to Greater Opportunities & Possibilities. If and when you feel yourself began to slip back into those familiar patterns/behaviors pull yourself out! You Got This! You Are Deserving! You Are Resilient! You Are Enough, But Most Importantly You Are Love❤.