Have you ever heard the phrase sometimes it takes for someone who doesn’t know you to call you on your shit; well that exactly what happened to me. November 4, 2017 is a day I will always Remember. You may be wondering why? On this day my world as I knew it forever changed, it was the beginning of a rebirth for me. Before you could understand I have to backtrack. I was invited by my cousin to an all-expense-paid trip to Atlanta to go to this Women’s Empowerment Weekend Conference “Werk Pray Slay”.
When asked did I want to go for moral support and companionship; I said sure why not I would love to go. Remind you this was something totally out of my comfort zone. I’m a very reserved, quiet, and shy person. So socializing with strangers is something I wouldn’t normally do, however I still decided to go. Once we got to Atlanta after we got settled into our rooms we decided to meet up with a few of the ladies over cocktails.
The first night was pretty cool they allowed everyone to network, mingle, or relax in a party setting. Day two November 4th was all business. They had keynote speakers sharing their testimonies; also different workshop and classes setup that you could attend if it was an area that you wanted to improve on in your life. At this point the conference had been a great getaway. A great distraction from my life. It was great seeing so many black beautiful women from various backgrounds coming together for the sole purpose of bettering themselves.
Finally, it was time for the host to speak her name was Koereyelle. I’d never heard of this woman prior to coming to the conference. I hadn’t followed her on any social media channels so I really didn’t know who she was. She came to the podium and all eyes was on her. She said her opening statement and laid out her supporting factors. I was like okay she may be onto something.
Then she made this statement “You only do these things for one reason and one reason only” Do you know what that is? “Because you don’t love yourself” when she finished saying that sentence I could feel parts of me dying. The room was so quiet I could hear a penny hit the floor at least in my mind. Subconsciously I let out a sigh and then the tears started to flow uncontrollably. My ego and pride started to take effect who the hell does she think she is to tell me I don’t love myself. She don’t know me nor my circumstances; I thought to myself. How could this be? I tried as best I could to put on a brave face and gather myself until I was alone. After the conference was over, I assured my cousin that I was okay and that she should go ahead and network with the rest of the ladies. However, that was the furthest thing from the truth, but I was too embarrassed to admit that I needed her at that time; I had lost total control and I just wanted to be alone.
Once I went back to the room the crying continued for hours. In that moment it felt worser than a death. I’ve experienced massive losses in my life so I know pain all to well. This type of pain was different, it hurt to the depths of my soul. My heart was breaking and I was the culprit, I had no one to blame but myself. I had to admit that it was some truth to what Koereyelle had said about not loving myself. I could no longer hide that anymore. She blew up my reality and called me on my bulls**t!
It was as if all of my past hurts, disappointments, failures, unresolved problems, issues, and insecurities surfaced at once. A total tsunami affect of emotions. I didn’t know what to do or where to start, but I knew one thing for certain I had to get to the bottom of this.
Ask your self these questions…Are you putting yourself last? Are you trying to hard to over compensate with people? Are you accepting less than you know you truly deserve? Do you ignore Warning Signs and Red Flags but play Victim? Are you masking your pain in unhealthy ways? Are you being to overly critical? Do you pick yourself apart in comparison to others? If you answered YES to a few of these questions than you too My Dear are not Loving yourself. STAY TUNED FOR PART 2 TO BE CONTINUED….